~.~

My Rebellion

ohH! I forgot! I'm a law student and have a class tomorrow. Why am I so lazy? Been so unproductive lately. I lose all my desire to study. Cooooooome on, Jennibeth! I'm starting to hate myself. I do not know myself anymore. This isn't me now. I hate the fact... I wanna die. I wanna be far. I'm not acting selfishly but for so many years my life has been confined within this empty dungeon, others deciding for me and I believe, it's time that I can have my own and think for what I must do for that unreachable happiness---you are all the wall. You really think I'm happy? Well, I'm just a great pretender. Pretending to be happy for controlling my life but I am suffocated now. Oh Please! Let me decide for myself. That's the only thing I ask. Why can't I have it? Why can't I have it? WHY? :((

Friends usually say that if they will be born again, they wanted to be me. I told them if they're sure since they didn't know how it feels like to be me. They want to be me simply because they've seen that I have everything, I can own everything, my parents give me everything; if they could reach the moon for me, they're going to do it. I have all the material pleasures in life. That is why they want to live the way I live my life. They do not know that never in my life I asked for these material luxuries, I don't need them. They think I must be happy to have all these. I'm searching for something. Am sure it's not material thing, that I want. Bombard me with all those; a BlackBerry phone, MacBook and others but I don't mind! I do not care. I never asked for these at the first place. I hate to think that everything I own given by them is because they want me to do their littlest favor. I cannot. I give up.

I am sorry if I'm going to disappoint you again. It's better that this will come as early as now. The decision I am going to make will determine my life for the remaining years and for the coming days to come. I will be happy for the decision I'm about to decide. You will get mad at me only for about months or maybe few years but let me say that that madness would not tantamount to the happiness I will feel in my lifetime. I would rather decide for that life-long happiness and see you grieve for months. Learn to accept. Please. This is not the kind of thing I want to do. This is way too far from all the things I've imagined to see.

I want to find and search for myself. Let me go somewhere, alone. Alone. Think for myself and decide for my own sake. My heart is in rage. It is not peaceful. I knew it coz I can feel it. I own my heart and it says I must give up and learn how to stop the fight if it is the one which caused this tears. :(