No ordinary love.

It's past 12:00 o'clock in the morning and all I can hear is the buzzing sound of the airconditioner in my room. Thoughts are plunging. And yes, writing is something I miss the most. I browsed old "stuffs" especially during college and it came to me that for the past five years, my life is still the same. Standing in the same position. Same circumstances.In short, it really gets me now how I lived a life in such a routine with no twists whatsoever. What I hate is that I miss the old days, my old self which I should not at the first place because if then, it only means my now is pretty ugly than my yesterday. That is not good. At all. Shifting a gear, I am in love with a guy. This love I have no idea. He is my kind of a person. But does he feels the same? Sometimes, it's yes and some days I'd say No. This relationship is getting closer to blossoming for two years (November 4 to be exact). However, the awkwardness measures greatly. Finding myself talking to "me" asking why is it so hard to talk to him and the feeling is actually mutual. I'm very much open but he isn't. I reached the point when I stopped asking how his day was since I only get the same answer everyday. Five minutes is too long to him, I guess. Not only when he is at work but the same thing happens when he is with me. The strength of the connection is below average when I want to believe it's excellent. Reality punches me on the face. Being together for nearly two years but I think we only had two months at the least "being there for each other." I know that it is pitiful! We are not the usual 'lovers.' Remembering how we become us. I find at fault here with all that has transpired. It's me to blame. Afterall, I never gave him the chance to prove himself for well, a little more time. It was an easy beginning so to speak. I regret it somehow as he should have experienced crossing a river with great currents before breathing a fresh air in a place where he now enjoys. Failure in him causes my own failure. It's two-way. You are in love with someone who isn't there with you. Until now, that is quite difficult to ponder. When you are distant, your mind is blowing with several thoughts. Sometimes, it would consume you but your choice if you let it cloud ☁☁ your beautiful mind. You missed your everyday conversations, although on his part, he calls me everyday. We have a 7-hour time difference. My night is his day. My day is his night. We get to talk for 3 minutes at the least and 30 minutes at the most everyday. That is painfully tolerable. But no matter what you do, the ache seems to stay. You need the acceptance of this getting last for an unknown time. High hopes that he won't feel that calling me is an obligation to do. All I aspire is a conversation that is non-obligatory and trying-hard in nature: when you feel like talking not because you feel alone in some place and you just need to hear her to be with her. That's all. Simple as that. Being in love because you are bored and for the sake of being rated of having that someone in your life is not love. You might want to think again. I remain loyal just a like a dog following his master. With his line of work, proving to staying loyal is a lot of convincing to do. When he is there and you are here, there shall be a shared trust. Learned about it during the ongoing process. But this trust is like a circus. You feel both positive and negative regard about everything. Things, whatever that is, always provide you with options. It all depends upon what options to take; the key to making yourself miserable or a single drive on a seven-lane road.